Valentine's
Day…it has been 1 year since I arrived in Carriacou and started an adventure or project shall we call it, on
Cariad an inanimate object which I do, mostly, love. Most things come back to a story about
love. The word love. The feeling of love. The love of adventure, a love of trying
something new, a love for passion, a love for spending time with your partner. In Welsh, Cariad means Love in. How fitting.
Did we fail?
It's always hard to talk about failures. It's like an allergic response humans develop. I am taking this failed trip as a learning curve. It has taken me a year to even think about writing this blog. Maybe we didn't even fail? Yes, we failed the main mission of not crossing the wild Atlantic and bringing Cariad home to Glencoe, but we achieved so much to get to the point of even trying to cross, being mad enough to try and then get close, so close to achieving our goal.
People will always have an opinion about it, but how could anyone know what we really went through and how we were feeling without being there? What decisions would other people have made that could have made it happen? Would people even have tried? What matters is that we did it our way. We have had so many discussions with friends and family on our return and we know we made the right decision. I must say our friends and family agreed and have been amazing. The hardest was talking to my dad about it because he was so confident we could have done it. I did remind him though that if we would have crossed, yes a Sadler is technically unsinkable but we could have crossed the Atlantic after being rescued from being sat upside down on a floating hull.
It has taken me a whole year to process this project because it has been hectic, returning to the grind. As soon as we returned from the Caribbean, I took out a loan and flew straight out to Nepal and mountain biked the Annapurna. I needed to push myself because I had not achieved my goal and I was stressed about when I was going to get another month off. Al was also off to climb Denali with Ali so he had his distraction. I needed an adventure replacement. Afterward, I was into my last month (May 22) at SAMS (I have given pre-notice on Feb 22) followed by moving straight into a new job (signed the contract in the Carriacou Marina), a new job which unfortunately does not allow me to network and use social media due to client contracts in the way I enjoy, so this blog has taken a backseat for the first time since I started it in 2015.
Recap, what were we trying to do?
Check out my first blog I wrote a year ago in January 2022 about how we came to the journey of trying to cross the Atlantic in a boat called Cariad!
Everything is about mindset. Al and I are pretty good about talking to each other, discussing everything from all angles, creating positive and negative charts, and trying to be pragmatic with Al balancing out my chaos. Al and I went in with the mindset that if we couldn't get Cariad ready to go we would return home. The difficult thing was that we did get Cariad ready to go. We ticked all of the things off on our spreadsheet, we launched, and we kept on fixing and improving her as we went. Before last year we sailed Cariad in 2019 when we went on holiday to meet Tony, so we knew she would need time, however, the pandemic added two years of Cariad sitting in the water bobbing about not doing much. We tried to factor in the jobs needed to compensate for what UV damage happens over time in the Caribbean. Even though we went in with the healthy mindset that we could fail, we didn't give in easily.
So, what happened? Why did we decide to not cross the Atlantic in Cariad?
After a test sail from Carriacou to Martinique to pick up Harry and fix various problems. We all decided that we would give it a go. All the major jobs were complete, Cariad was sailing well, and we were physically and mostly mentally prepared. We all had our own trepidations. We were about to sail an old boat across the Atlantic, we had lots of issues from rigging, leaks, electrics, and a few other things to keep us on our toes so we were all on high alert. We sailed from Martinique and pulled into the North part of the island to top up with some water and freshies. Then we gave it a go. After a long morning of sailing just as we were starting to get into it, dolphins surrounded us giving us a show. At the same time, the wind became fluky. We were just at the end of the headland of Martinique, and we decided to get the engine started to swing us around the headland so that we didn't need to do a tack which would set us offline straight from the outset. With the wind vane autopilot on, Harry and I were completely distracted by the dolphins, trying to get a good photo and work out what species they were. There was no one else around us, just Cariad humming across the waves whilst the dolphins played around us. Al brought us back to reality by saying that the engine would not start. With it going dark soon and a quick downwind sail back to the anchorage we had come from, after trying to get the engine started, we decided to do some investigation back at the anchorage.
Even though we could cross the Atlantic without an engine, we wanted the engine. There were forecasted light patches across the Azores high so we wanted the engine to move across that and not bob about as we had a tight schedule. Our engine was also a safety feature, if anyone went overboard we wanted to be able to get back to that person quickly and efficiently and that meant having the engin. Yes me and Al could and have practiced a lot about how to get a person back under sail but Harry had not and the risk increases without an engine. We headed back to the anchorage to try and diagnose the issue. This is not why we decided not to go.
We worked out that the starter motor was dead. Yes, we tried whacking it and a few other tricks, but it was dead. Dad gave us a few tricks for hand-cranking Cariad the way him and Tony used to. With such an old engine that had been covered in seawater a few times, it was tough going and only Al could hand crank the engine. Harry managed it once, but I was just not quite strong enough. I even tried to lube up the handle to help the movement but no. We at least we had the engine. The electrics were also a bit intermittent with the solar panel charging, so Al worked tirelessly all day to see if he could make it more reliable which he did.
I always believe everything comes in three so add to our disasters… I hear a bang. A bang that was separate to the boom that just flew across the deck. I had a look around the cockpit and saw my phone cable hanging off the deck. Crap. I jump out of the cockpit and look for Al’s solar charger, one of the last remaining bits of technology we have for charging equipment. My phone was one of our backup navigation systems, I was also using it for podcasts, audible, music and so much more. It’s got to be on the boat. Crap. I jump straight off the boat (we were at anchor in the bay at this point) with my mask and snorkel to search around the boat for it. It is a waterproof phone; I know what I am like, I think. “Al, can you pass me my fins I forgot them I shout.” I go for a bit of a dive and realise its 10 m of water depth here, “Argh Al, actually please can you jump in too, help!” I half gargle. “Why? What can you see?” I think wow I wish I was showing him a turtle or something, that would be way less stressful. As I think this, I hilariously spot a turtle munching on some seagrass, moving around the ocean seafloor with no care in the world. I come back up to the surface for a breath, “I... have dropped my fricking phone!” I managed to dive down and retrieve the phone.
The phone died...it was no longer waterproof as the charging plug has been undone for charging it. I was stressed at this point, with a bit of nav equipment down and my entertainment for when on watch gone. I had also not packed a good camera.
After a day of disasters and fixing, we had a chat and decided to give it another go. A few other things happened, and we were starting to feel really unsure if Cariad would make it across safely. Everything just felt a bit old and tired. The UV kills stuff so quickly. All I could think about was if the wind vane hit something and broke or a sail ripped, my mind was in disaster mode. I tried to change this mindset quick. I had scenario planning in my mind but it was better to keep a positive attitude and think about all the things that could go right.
Risk?
A quick thought about risk. Everyone has a different threshold for risk. For me the risk needs to be justified, there needs to be a bit of risk for me when adventuring. My friend Christine gave me a book to read before I left which was called Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales I also read so many books on people that had fallen overboard and survived. Risk as a group is a different thing entirely. There were 3 of us on this adventure and all the people back at home watching us from afar. Effectively me and Al felt responsible for each other and Harry, we were in this together and we all had to be happy with the risks involved. I probably felt even more responsible as this had been my idea after Tony had left me Cariad. The crux was, we all needed to be happy with the risks involved.
Why did we decide to not cross the Atlantic in Cariad continued…
This is an extract from the book I have started to write about Cariad (let's call it a coping mechanism for losing both Tony and Cariad), we will see if I ever finish it and get it published…
It was the middle of the day, and
I was trying to get a nap in-between my watch. I am desperately trying to sleep
against this lee cloth that I spent a whole morning making just weeks before.
With the cushion on the bunk and my bulbous
, it will not hold me if a big
wave lurches the boat over, I think to myself. A lee cloth is designed to hold
you on your bunk, so you don’t fall out of bed. I had just drifted off when I
woke to Al bailing out the engine bay. No, no, no, not again. “Al, what’s
happening?” He does not reply straight away, which stresses me out. I jump out
of bed, “Do you need us?” A quick response this time, “Yes.” I have realised
when a situation is getting worse, it’s easier to ask less questions, fit in
where you can, and if you have to ask a question to make it quick and simple.
Harry jumps up out of bed too. Al’s bailing is frustrating me, so slow. I take
over bailing so he can check the stern gland. We were a few days from land, I
felt sick at the thought of if our stern tube had failed again like the time me
and Al were on holiday on Cariad, but this time we were the owners, we were
responsible and we still hadn’t fitted an electric bilge. It was a repeat of
before except we had Harry to jump around and get items. Harry was out in the
cockpit trying to find the best way to get the bilge empty and Al had stripped
Harry’s bed and was trying to get into the back of the engine bay. “It’s not
the stern gland, the water is coming from further back” Al's muffled tones seep
through the engine bay. I realise at the same time that the water level has
gone down in the engine bay. I am happy that we are not sinking, well quickly
anyway but that we have a big leak. Harry and Al begin to empty the stern
locker whilst I continue to bail. “This is a shit system.” Al is angry and
frustrated. I don’t think I have seen him like this before. So much had gone wrong just these last few days that it was suddenly all
feeling impossible.
There were a few other things that had gone wrong, but it was time. It was time to call it. We had leaks coming in from a few places. The stand for the drying out legs was pouring water onto the bookshelf, this had absorbed the drips for a few weeks so we had not noticed, we didn’t notice until Al’s boxers were wet one day as it had leaked onto his bed. Would it drip into the electrics on the other tack? Our comms for getting the weather and charging could be so easily get damaged. Especially without having an engine that was easy to start to help charge things. There were too many unknowns and things we racking up quickly. We decided to turn around and head to Bermuda. We still didn’t give up. After a day of catching up on sleep. We tried to do a few fixes to sort out the leaks. We dried everything out. We realised we were done. Mostly mentally. It was time to go and have a holiday and decompress after calling a stop to our project. We headed to Guadeloupe to come up with a plan.
What happened to Cariad?
The other reason that I have not been able to speak or really process the Cariad trip is that I have been in so much debt since we decided to leave Cariad in Antigua with a broker and my pal. I have only just got out of the debt. It was all my choice, so I have not let it consume me. When we sold Xarifa in 2020, I put the money straight into Premium bonds so that I would not spend it and save it for the trip. All my savings went into this trip and Al contributed 10 % towards Cariad and more on the trip itself. I then took a loan out to go to Nepal, again no regrets. We tried to sell Cariad to top back up our savings but after a few months and with hurricane season approaching and with us being so far away, we were faced with having to spend over $500 a month to keep Cariad on the hard, it was also putting pressure on my old Uni Pal Louis who owns Dive Carib in Antigua to keep an eye on her for us. Luckily when we were in Antigua we hung out with Louis and all his pals taking part in the local pub quizzes, playing touch rugby and so much more. Thanks again so much Louis!!
Out there we met Stef and Ruby who I approached over Facebook to see if they would be interested in taking Cariad on if we handed over the paperwork and gave it to them for free! Cariad has been on so many adventures and I wanted her to go on so many more, they had a big think about it and said yes which is super exciting because we can keep up to date with where Cariad goes next. The best thing is Cariad is anchored right next to the house they rent and they have time to put the love into Cariad that she needs and she makes a perfect boat for exploring around the Caribbean. All the issues we had, we mostly fixed, but you can’t fix age and the unknown. All Cariad needs is more time and attention. We had run out of both. I can’t wait to hear what they get up to or where or who she ends up next!
What next?
I need to fall back in love with sailing and sailing with Al. We will see how that goes over the next few years and things come in threes right so wonder what our next boat will be called? 😜 Perhaps Yacht Gaol...
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